I had to go into Newport this afternoon - big mistake if you are hyped up with a zillion things you have to do and another billion that you'd like to do. I'd forgotten it was the last day of the school "Easter"" holidays. All over town, worn-out, glazed-eyed parents had come to the same conclusion - let's take the little horrors shopping and let other people share the misery.

I went into a cafė for a coffee and shortly afterwards a mother came in with her 6-year old daughter and a 3-year old boy. Mum and girl parked the boy at the table next to me, despite virtually every other one in the place being empty. Maybe I am mistaken - perhaps my expression suggests a child-loving mug rather than the Attila the Hunny person that I become when a badly behaved 3-year old kicks my chair repeatedly with his blue wellies.

He then started to bellow "Domado dupe, domado dupe" at his mother, which I only translated, when after 12 encores, she shouted back "There's no tomato soup left - do you want chicken soup? "No wanna dhicken dupe, wan domado dupe"he bellowed back, whilst unscrewing the salt pot and spreading it over the table.

Resisting the urge to bellow back "you wanna big clip around the eardole, dhum" I left for some peace and quiet in the library. Fat chance. Whilst I returned my books, a gaggle of teenage girls came in, screeching as they do when a young male is within 50 metres. The librarian, a big bloke, muttered "I am not standing for this' and proceeded to follow his intention to the letter by remaining seated and sending his assistant, all 5' 2" of her, to sort them out.

I retreated to the paperback section where I found myself interrupting a good bicker between an elderly couple over where the L authors were. I helpfully pointed them out, and was rewarded by a glare from the woman who seemed to suspect I had designs on her 80+, deaf, grumpy, shortsighted husband who didn't have the word "Thanks" in his grunt vocab.

And with only the further ordeal of a 30 miles per hour convoy home, a trip to the Co-op where I seem to have spent nearly £50 on a bottle of wine, a couple of bags of crisps and 3 onions, I have grumped home and hid under the duvet, eating chocolate brazils and reading my library book. I may be there for some time.